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Many people access counselling services for help in the area of their primary relationships. It may be friendships, workmates, marital relationships, or their family of origin in which they are experiencing difficulties. Or the problem may be loneliness. Some people find themselves in a time of life without any friends or support at all. In each of these situations, counselling may be helpful to gain some perspective about areas in their life they could focus on to make changes. One thing is certain. Although it may seem at times that it is the people in your life that you may wish to change the most, the only one you have control over is yourself. Any changes you make to your own life and your own sense of happiness or sense of control will affect your relationships. It is the choices you make that will ultimately affect the quality of your relationships. Perhaps one of the most powerful choices we can make is who we choose to enter relationships with. There are many, many decisions we make that affect the way we feel when it comes to our relationships. Are we spending time with the people in our life we enjoy the most? People who support us? If we don’t have people like this in our lives, it is possible to make a conscious decision to build up our support networks and make some good friends we can trust.
 Courses offered at the Personal Development Centre in the area of stress management, assertiveness, anger, grief, depression and anxiety; assist us in our relationships because they help us to understand the impact of our actions in relationships. Each of these courses offer information as well as tools to cope with many issues. The more a person understands themselves and develops tools to communicate their feelings and needs to others, the likelihood of getting needs met in relationships increases.
Sometimes there are issues such as violence that surface in relationships that are particularly destructive. Violence may take the form of emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental abuse. If you have been the victim or the perpetrator of violence in your relationships, it is important to access counselling services and find out what is available for support in your community. With information and support, it is possible to learn new behaviours. It is also true that people can heal from past traumatic events they have experienced.
If the difficulties you are experiencing are most evident in your marital relationship, it may be helpful to see a marital counsellor. Although marital counselling is not offered at the Personal Development Centre, you may ask about other agencies or therapists in the city that do offer marriage counselling.
The Relationship Group offered at the Personal Development Centre was developed on the model of relationships as described by Karen Stockdale Sandvig in her book “Moving On: Leaving Dysfunction Behind to Restore and Renew Relationships”. It is a six week group which teaches the importance of developing a more powerful sense of self. Part of this process involves determining the feelings which are controlling us (i.e. shame, blame, guilt, or anger), and learning to take responsibility for dealing with these feelings. Sometimes this means learning to “let go” of past experiences that were hurtful so that we can begin to interact with others in the present more effectively.
One of the most important concepts covered in the Relationship Group is the concept of developing stronger personal boundaries. Boundaries may be emotional, spiritual, sexual or relational. We learn about our boundaries in our development as children. When children do not learn healthy physical or emotional behaviour in their families, they do not learn to develop a sense of what their limits are and how to protect them. It is never too late to learn! As adults we can learn what our boundaries are, protect them, and prevent others from taking advantage of us over and over. The benefits of learning to do this are abundant in relationships. You feel more in control of your life. Self-esteem rises. You begin to feel that you have more energy, and that you are living with authenticity.
Other aspects of relationships that are extremely important are encouragement and acceptance. One of life’s paradoxes is that change does not occur until we feel accepted. When one feels loved and accepted, change is most likely to occur. We all need encouragement about the things we are doing that are appreciated. Learning to give your loved ones encouragement can set the stage in which people feel appreciated. Relationships are about love. If we start loving ourselves, loving others and letting people know what we appreciate in them, then we will notice dramatic differences in our relationships.
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