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There is perhaps no other term bandied around more in self-help circles, counselling referrals and pop psychology than “self-esteem”. Webster’s Dictionary defines self-esteem as “belief in oneself”, “undue pride in oneself”, “conceit”. From this definition it appears that, on the one hand, self-esteem appears to be a desirable commodity to possess, as “belief in oneself” surely must be. On the other hand, self-esteem can be regarded as an undesirable trait, something like arrogance or Webster’s use of the word “conceit”. It seems as if it is okay to feel good about yourself and your abilities and worth, but be careful not take this too far! Also, it’s okay to feel good about yourself and your abilities but “don’t blow your own horn”. Seems confusing.
In some Eastern cultures, modesty is a virtue and, in order to present yourself more modestly than the next person, it is imperative, when greeting them, to demonstrate this by bowing lower than they do. In our own culture, modesty is also touted as a virtue and many of us have difficulties accepting praise or compliments. On the surface we are given messages from various sources to feel good about ourselves, yet there is often also the unsaid message not to express our own self-worth directly and verbally. Instead, the message is that it is permissible for others to sing our praises, but let’s not get caught doing that ourselves, lest others think we have too high an opinion of ourselves. Perhaps the way out of this dilemma is knowing that your good feelings about yourself and your expression of those feelings does not, in any way, diminish anyone else’s opportunity to also feel good about themselves and express it. In this way, feeling positive about oneself does not arise out of comparisons with others. “I’m OK and so are you, if you want to be.”
Many people would agree that positive attitudes about ourselves, our capabilities and accomplishments ideally should arise from our own evaluations of ourselves. Approval, applause and praise from others is enjoyable and it can certainly feel good to be on the receiving end of it, but the appraisal of us by others should not determine our sense of self-worth. We sometimes get in a bind by trying to feel good about ourselves yet not wanting to come off appearing too conceited to others. However, it is the very act of needing to take into account how we think we appear to others that we lose genuine self-esteem. Instead, allow yourself to be your own judge of who you are. Other people may applaud and others may throw tomatoes at us for our behaviour or for who we are. We have no control over that. What we can control is how we choose to feel about ourselves.
 When we look at ourselves, do we raise our feelings of self-esteem when our behaviours are admirable, successful or moral and lower it when we have behaved in less than admirable, successful or moral ways? Self-esteem means that you can continue to consider yourself as a basically OK person despite being less than perfect. As human beings we have a wonderful array of complexities and contradictions. Montaigne, the French philosopher once wrote that he found no subject as interesting as that of his own self, how, at different times, he could either be intelligent or stupid, competent or incompetent, generous or selfish, caring or indifferent, honest or dishonest. We may be misunderstanding the experience of self-esteem if we only accept and applaud ourselves when we’ve “done good” and repeatedly put ourselves down when we’ve “messed up”. Accepting ourselves, as we are, warts and all, is fundamental to self-esteem. In one sense, we are always being perfectly the best we can be anyway, given what we know and who we are at the time.
So pay attention to critical, judgmental, perfectionistic chatter in your mind when it occurs and, before you quickly react to it as if it must be true, mentally stop yourself and challenge it. Is the criticism reasonable? Is it based on perfectionistic standards? Does it come from a belief or value that is truly yours or is it someone else’s value that you’ve been told or coerced into following? Is the criticism related to an old belief or value you were taught to believe as a child? Be as gentle, loving and patient with yourself as you would be with others and you’ll probably find your regard for yourself rising considerably. You may even begin to find yourself smiling at your mistakes and shortcomings instead of frowning at them.
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